Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
