That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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