why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
