As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
