if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
