WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
