YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
