Got a toothbrush?
I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
