can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
