Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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