Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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