i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
