i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
