I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
