just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
