Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
