I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
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She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
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There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things