Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.