Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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