Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
