so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
