Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
