I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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