He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
