The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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