Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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