I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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