from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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