i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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