This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
