What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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