Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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