I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Randomize
