I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm like, not good at living.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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