After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
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New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
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My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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