Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
