Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
