I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I would ride that face into the sunset
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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