can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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