I feel like abortions should bother me more
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
