he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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