You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
