the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
