I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
