scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
