I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
