im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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