evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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