Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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