the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
