i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
