Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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