No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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