My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
